Thursday Thirteen #29
I love you all! I’m tired and silly tonight so here are thirteen random jokes that people have sent me over the years (yes I keep them). I hope at least some of these will make you giggle. I tried to pick non-offensive ones, but you never know…
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The redhead said, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.” The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?” 2. Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: “I have something I must confess.” “There’s no need to, ” his wife replied. “No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!” “I know,” she replied, “now just rest and let the poison work.” 3. Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”? 4. On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One lady in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane, “If I am to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?” For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt… one button at a time…No one moves…He removes his shirt… Muscles ripple across his chest…She gasps. He whispers, “Iron this, and get me something to eat.” 5. After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, “This is all in your mind” and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the psychiatrist, the shrink confesses, “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.” And he refers the man to a Cajun witch doctor. The witch doctor says, “I can cure this.” He throws some powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, “This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘123′ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!” The guy then asks the witch doctor, “What happens when it’s over?” The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and eager to surprise his wife. His wife turns over and says, “What did you say ‘123′ for?” 6. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 7. A visiting minister offered the opening prayer: “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…” He would have continued, but at that silent, awkward moment when he paused for a breath, one very obedient young girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little voice “Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?” Church was pretty much over at that point. 8. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. 9. A man and a woman, who had never met before and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a compartment, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly… he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold. I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married”. “Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed. “Good,” she replied. “Get your own f***** blanket.” After a moment of silence, he farted. 10. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them? 11. As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said….”Daddy look at this,” and she stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy”s gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, “What’s wrong, honey?” She replied, “What happened to my booger?” 12. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 13. Best Email Out of Office Auto Reply: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘ Margaret ‘ instead of ‘Rick’. |
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May 30th, 2007 at 7:51 pm
Those are pretty funny, especially the little kid jokes. Leave it to a child to give us a good laugh.
May 30th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
Now THAT is an entertaining TT. LMAO!!
May 30th, 2007 at 8:02 pm
Very fun! I especially like #3!
May 30th, 2007 at 8:24 pm
HEE!!! Great idea for a TT! I’d seen some of those, but quite a few were brand new for me. Happy TT!
May 30th, 2007 at 8:34 pm
what a fun T13. My favorite was #2 …. its mean but FUNNY.
Mama Kelly
May 30th, 2007 at 9:11 pm
Haha.. #5! Hilarious TT!
May 30th, 2007 at 9:40 pm
LOVE them, Christine! I’m howling!!
May 30th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
I like the booger one the best!
May 30th, 2007 at 9:52 pm
OMG *gasp* those are great! I was laughing so hard my husband had to see what I was reading. I love em!!!!! Muhahahahha
May 30th, 2007 at 9:56 pm
I loved #9! Thank you for sharing! I got a smile on now.
May 30th, 2007 at 9:58 pm
Hehe, thanks for the laughs this evening. I heard a few of those, but some were new to me and really had me going. Happy Thursday
May 30th, 2007 at 10:24 pm
ROFL! Spew alert! I have to share #4 with my Italian family. Too funny. They all made me laugh, particularly #’s 6 and 11. GReat TT!
May 30th, 2007 at 10:27 pm
Thursday Thirteen: Edition #19…
Thirteen Words or Phrases I Never Want to Hear Uttered in a Meeting Again: 1. “Let’s think outside the box, people!”…
May 30th, 2007 at 10:31 pm
13 Uses of Coca Cola…
95
Relieve jelly fish sting: All you have to do is pour the Coke over the sting.
Got the trots?? Get a 2ltr bottle of coke, take the top off and let it go flat, and up to room temperature, then drink 1 glass every couple of hours. BINGO… all fi…
May 30th, 2007 at 10:56 pm
Thanks for the laughs!
May 30th, 2007 at 11:08 pm
That was funny! Happy TT!
May 30th, 2007 at 11:11 pm
I loved #2 and #12! Great idea! Mine is up at Special K Family
May 30th, 2007 at 11:58 pm
OMG! These are hilarious! *lmao*
May 31st, 2007 at 12:38 am
LMAO!!!! These were awesome! DH had to come and read them too, he couldn’t believe why I was laughing so hard… =) Great TT, Christine!
May 31st, 2007 at 2:02 am
I read too many jokes..lol
I read them all hoping for one I had not seen…
But…I did laugh again because they were all funny…
Thanks..
Terrific Thursday Thirteen!
My TT is posted.
Have a wonderful day!
Happy TT’ing!
*^_^
(=’:'=)
(”)_ (”)Š
Raggedy
May 31st, 2007 at 2:10 am
Hee! Thanks for the laughs!
May 31st, 2007 at 3:10 am
#11 Ewwww! #13 LOL All of them are hilarious. Great TT list!
May 31st, 2007 at 6:24 am
Thanks for a great laugh!
My TT shares 13 things about the blue moon.
May 31st, 2007 at 7:02 am
he he heee! I like number 1 the best!
May 31st, 2007 at 7:44 am
Too funny! Thanks for the laughs!
May 31st, 2007 at 7:53 am
Ahhh, good laugh darlin’…thank you…#2 is my favorite, although #13 is fantastic as well, okay they all are
May 31st, 2007 at 8:55 am
Fantastic list. I especially loved #2, #7 and #10!
Feel the urge to shoot some tourists every time I venture into town in summer. LOL
May 31st, 2007 at 9:06 am
OMG! Those were hilarious. Thnaks.
May 31st, 2007 at 9:06 am
Funny TT… I’ll have to try to remember few of these.
May 31st, 2007 at 9:38 am
LMAO…what a great way to start a day:)
May 31st, 2007 at 9:54 am
*giggles* Number 2 STILL has me rolling!
May 31st, 2007 at 10:02 am
LMAO
May 31st, 2007 at 10:06 am
Oh, these are fun! I’ve seen most of them, but a couple were new-to-me. Great idea for a TT.
Now I’m going to be saving all those jokes people forward to me. I just got the Pabst beer/pap smear one from my SIL.
May 31st, 2007 at 10:12 am
LOVE #10!
May 31st, 2007 at 10:15 am
Great TT. Number 11 was hilarious!
May 31st, 2007 at 10:50 am
I got a kick out of the poison one, though I don’t get the 123 one at all *giggle*
May 31st, 2007 at 10:54 am
Too funny! I liked the 123 too… and the boogie one! LMAO!!!
Happy TT!
May 31st, 2007 at 10:59 am
OMG I just woke up, what a great way to get the day started. LOL!!!
May 31st, 2007 at 11:04 am
Some of those were really funny.
May 31st, 2007 at 12:05 pm
What a great way to start a Thursday morning - these all made me chuckle!
May 31st, 2007 at 12:15 pm
You are too clever! What a great TT, and I had quite a few giggles, lol.
Anna J. Evans
May 31st, 2007 at 12:26 pm
#9 The man and woman in the train sleeping compartment is my favorite!
I laughed a lot! Wonderful TT!
May 31st, 2007 at 1:59 pm
Love the jokes, they are all funny! Although I heard most these jokes before, I think # 13 crack me up the most because that one is new joke to me *grin*
Happy Thursday Thirteen!
Julia-Yen
May 31st, 2007 at 2:59 pm
“Don’t you have a vase?”
LOL! LMAO!
May 31st, 2007 at 3:48 pm
May 31st, 2007 at 5:05 pm
LOL! OMG, LOVE # 5.
May 31st, 2007 at 5:16 pm
LOL Especially love #4!
May 31st, 2007 at 6:04 pm
LMAO!!!
M&M
May 31st, 2007 at 6:04 pm
Great T13!!
May 31st, 2007 at 8:45 pm
Mahalo for the funny jokes! Happy TT!
May 31st, 2007 at 8:47 pm
Daaaahh! Oh my god, I love the one about the poison!
TJ
www.tjmichaels.com
May 31st, 2007 at 9:17 pm
You’ve got some really good ones there…
I wish I hadn’t forgotten it was Thursday! Happy T13!
June 1st, 2007 at 2:18 am
ROFL
June 1st, 2007 at 7:50 pm
Read these out to my husband - he especially liked the ‘123′ one - “couldn’t see that coming…”
Good collection, Christine.