Thursday Thirteen #29

The redhead said, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”

The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?”

2. Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: “I have something I must confess.”

“There’s no need to, ” his wife replied.

“No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”

“I know,” she replied, “now just rest and let the poison work.”

3. Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

4. On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One lady in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane, “If I am to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt… one button at a time…No one moves…He removes his shirt… Muscles ripple across his chest…She gasps.

He whispers, “Iron this, and get me something to eat.”

5. After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, “This is all in your mind” and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the psychiatrist, the shrink confesses, “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.” And he refers the man to a Cajun witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, “I can cure this.” He throws some powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, “This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ’123′ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks the witch doctor, “What happens when it’s over?”
The witch doctor says, “All you or your partner has to say is ’1234′ and it will go down. But be warned: after that, it will not work again for another year!”

The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and eager to surprise his wife.
He can’t wait to go to bed. They get in bed and he says, “123,” and just like magic, he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says, “What did you say ’123′ for?”

6. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

7. A visiting minister offered the opening prayer: “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued, but at that silent, awkward moment when he paused for a breath, one very obedient young girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little voice “Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?”

Church was pretty much over at that point.

8. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

9. A man and a woman, who had never met before and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a compartment, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly… he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold. I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married”.

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed. “Good,” she replied. “Get your own f***** blanket.” After a moment of silence, he farted.

10. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

11. As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said….”Daddy look at this,” and she stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy”s gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

She replied, “What happened to my booger?”

12. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

13. Best Email Out of Office Auto Reply: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘ Margaret ‘ instead of ‘Rick’.